What's Good for the Gander

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I read this article from Saturday's New York Times about how the hippest new accessory for the Brooklyn hipster (of the male varietal) is the pot belly. The article suggests that the pot belly-volution is a ripple effect - backlash against the six-packed bicep baring men's magazine models. Not to diminish the pressure that men feel to be buff and bulging, but I couldn't help feeling a wee bit like...excuse me? As though the rise of the uber-fit male can somehow trump the endless barrage of women's magazines (not to mention television, movies and advertising) touting the tall toned tanned Air Brushettes. It seems like the guys got to rebel before they were even oppressed.

Resigning myself to an "it is what it is" attitude about men getting to relocate their bulges from their biceps to their bellies, I decided to channel my energy into a revolutionary wish-list of things to banish when the fairer sex gets to reassign our own appearance-obsession to the passe category.

* Plucking - Little hairs marring perfect arches and creeping across the bridge of the nose must go. Not to mention what I refer to as my "errant eyebrows" - otherwise known as chin hairs - that make me feel uncomfortably close to a bearded-lady candidacy.

* Shapers - However you wish to address them - control-tops, body shapers, Spanx, contour undergarments, or, in the words of Bridget Jones, "scary stomach-holding-in panties popular with grannies the world over" - they're modern day torture device that attempt to disprove that matter cannot be destroyed by using super-freak elastic to suck, tuck and smooth the fat away. And also the will to live.

* Gym Memberships - Sometimes I feel incomplete as a woman because I do not have - nor have I ever had - a gym membership. I don't like to work out, and the thought of doing it in a large room amongst other people who are skinnier, prettier and more athletically inclined makes me want to eat chocolate.

* Skinny Jeans - Unless the name of the jeans indicates the effect they have, I'm not interested.

I mostly like being a girl - make-up, high heels, handbags. I think I would just like it better if I could accessorize with chub.


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